Are you in a serious relationship, but your partner has set no-room-for-negotiation about an additional child? Or it could be he’s a horrible dad that’s of no help to you in parenting matters, and you’ve found yourself on the procreation fence. So, you’ve been asking yourself, why do I want another baby but not with my husband?
You’ve recognized that your partner isn’t in a place where they can be the best parent for your next kid. But having another baby with someone else will translate to leaving him. Unless you’re planning to become pregnant behind his back, it’ll be difficult to reach a compromise since you can’t have a half-loved child.
Family means people who live together or are related to each other, whether by blood or marriage. If you can imagine having a houseful of kids with different fathers and no husband, then you can make it work. As a married mum, what follows is my advice, but what you do must be a decision only you can make.
Is It Possible to Have another Baby but Not with My Husband?
I have heard it all too often. How you’re in love with your husband but can’t handle the thought of him being your next child’s parent. Since you’re not looking to leave and have another baby with your next partner, it’s unrealistic to expect that your spouse will be okay with that off the bat. Also, who says that finding a better father for your child will be easy?
You’re not exactly free to look for another man to sire your child while still married. The man who would take you upon such a request probably doesn’t measure up in terms of integrity necessary for fatherhood. If you have another baby while still with your husband, he’ll be forced to become a part of that child’s life, which isn’t fair for either.
At least by societal standards, it makes more sense to leave your husband and then find the person with whom you want to have another baby. Setting on such a journey, and if you’re to succeed, will take time. At least three to five years, by my conservative estimate. You’ll likely kiss a few frogs before meeting that individual. That’s only to find that they aren’t much better at parenting or genetically than your current spouse.
Another option involves committing to becoming a single parent. That means having another baby with a partner who’s okay with a no-strings-attached scenario. While easier said than done, remember that your current husband remains the father of your existing kids and will be until they become adults.
Why Don’t I Want My Husband to Be the Father of Another Baby?
First, let’s separate the trash from the wheat, setting aside why you want another baby but not with your partner. You love him, so it’s not the entire family set-up that you want to change. If the relationship’s not the problem, I will explore your options for conceiving with someone else while still married to your husband.
Next, I’ll state the obvious, which is, the luxury of motherhood comes with an expiration date that’s sooner for women than men. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, so there’s no cause for alarm.
Does your husband have a congenital disorder that you risk passing onto another baby? Then it’s time to initiate an open conversation. The bottom line remains that sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your relationship is a recipe for marital discord in the future.
It’s essential to clarify your reasons for wanting to have another baby but not with your husband. You’ll enumerate and validate each reason so that it’s not an echo from the hollowness of your relationship. Honesty is the best policy. Both of you must agree to either maintain or sever the marriage for the existing or the new child’s sake.
How Do You Engage in an Open Conversation about Having another Baby without Him?
When you were married, you made a lifelong commitment to your husband as a lifelong partner. That means dealing with all manner of issues, especially the ones that are rough around the edges. Since you’ve decided to include him in the picture, sit your spouse down and talk about your reservations regarding having another child with him.
Be open about your predicament. Your husband should agree or disagree, instead of disrespecting your request for lack of understanding. You’ll also need to let your spouse explore their feelings about wanting another baby but not with him. It’s not about losing or winning but of making compromises to do what’s right for the children and you.
Keep in mind that your relationship is the pillar by which your family is structured, so put it first. You want another baby not only for yourself but as a sibling for your children and add to your household. Mediation or couples therapy can make it easier to have this conversation, especially if your therapist specializes in marital and parenting issues.
Stop, Cease Pressuring, Accept or Keep Moving Forward
Seeing that you want another baby but not with your husband isn’t justification enough to take matters into your hands. You can’t make the decision on behalf of your spouse, kids, immediate family. Or for the new child, but you can accept and let go. Time has a way of changing situations and people, and it could be in a few years you’ll see things differently.
Pressuring your partner into compromising so you can get what you want is synonymous with manipulation, coercion, and control. That’s not great for a marriage, and you’ll only be pushing him away. You can choose to respect his answer, even when it doesn’t align with your expectations simply because he’s your husband.
It’s a topic considered taboo in many cultures, one with the power to break your marriages. If you’ve been saying I want another baby but not with my husband, it must have been not easy coming, but you’ve finally admitted it. It takes self-knowledge, bravery, and the yearning to pursue motherhood for you to come to such a conclusion.
An achievable alternative lies in having your spouse accept to become a dad to a child that’s not his. You can also leave him to work it out on your own. It’s allowed to divorce on such grounds, but think about the little one and the dysfunction you’ll be introducing into their yet-to-be lives. Single motherhood is a legitimate path. But it’s a difficult one when you’re juggling more than one child, an ex-husband, and a livelihood.
I’m Cathrine and I’m a 39-year-old mother of 3 from Utica, New York. And I’m extremely happy you’ve come to visit my hide-out on the web. Here I post about everything related to family-life and usually it will involve babies and lessons I’ve learned over the years from experts, friends, and my own mistakes. So hopefully you will find what i write fun and informational!