What to Do When Wife Won’t Put Out? – 10 Tips

Has your sex life been going downhill since you got married? Initially, she was passionate, and you’d be intimate three or four times a week. Now it’s barely there, and as far back as you can remember, she’s never initiated intercourse but instead has a hundred excuses. Here are ten actionable tips on what to do when your wife won’t put out?

Sexual compatibility is as essential as intellectual or emotional intimacy in a marriage. A marriage can survive without intercourse, but the feeling must be mutual to reach a sexless consensus. More often than not, it’s with disastrous consequences like resentment, affairs, lack of attachment, and depression.

Read the following ten tips before your wife’s emotional and physical distance drives you to frustration or anger.

What Should I Do If My Wife Has Been Putting Me Off Intimately?

Something is off if you aren’t having sex in your marriage. That much is true. On top of that, your wife blames you for acting single-minded and being insensitive once she rejects your sexual advances. Despite having tried talking to her or trolling online forums searching for answers, you’re living in ‘libido loco.’ 

In truth, many factors can be making your wife avoid intimacy with you. The question remains what to do about it when she doesn’t ‘put out.’ In essence, you’ve got to open your eyes, challenge beliefs, roll-up sleeves, and be ready to go to work. That includes;

1. Seeking a Diagnosis

The loss of desire for sex is called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or HSDD. It’s one of the conditions that affect women, causing sexual dysfunction at any age. Unlike male complaints, the foremost being erectile dysfunction, your wife’s issues are a combination of physical and mental factors. Often, these aren’t curable by just popping a pill as they’re complicated and multifaceted.

In the last couple of decades, anti-impotence treatments have spurred research into sexual dysfunction causes in both men and women. Effective therapies can help put the lust back into your wife’s life and passion into yours. 

2. Helping Out on the Domestic Front

Women juggle a variety of roles, some of which conflict with marital responsibilities. Her relationship with you can be taking a toll from all the mothering, home management, career demand, or religious and community service. Sex can feel like another chore at the end of a tiresome day, and she doesn’t have desires leave alone consciousness, to do something about it.

By taking on a proactive role within the household, you can lighten her load, leaving her less burned out. You can do laundry, cook, drive the kids to school, or ask her where you can contribute. That will help relieve stress, giving her a chance to get connected and feel sexual arousal. 

3. Taking Better Care of Yourself

One thing that turns women off permanently is poor personal hygiene. Your wife’s sense of smell is more sensitive than yours, and visual desire accelerators include dressing well, grooming, and displaying class and confidence. Take better care of yourself, watch body odor and go to the gym to stay fit, even if not to lose weight or build muscles.

4. Pampering and Making Time for Her

Having negative feelings about her body appearance can make your wife lack the mood for intimacy. It could be she’s been gaining weight, and by your reaction, has lost confidence or is feeling unhealthy. She may also be lacking romantic cues, intimate behaviors that can induce arousal. You can offer to take some of her household responsibilities so she finds time to take care of herself.

Make her feel unique with compliments, and encourage her to develop her interests or talents. Pampering her, especially when you’re not in bed, will give her a turn-on since she’ll feel desired and special.

5. Being the Best Partner

Have you been supporting your wife emotionally, or are you angry, moping because she’s not been interested in sex? If you’ve been withdrawn and grumpy, chances are she won’t be putting out soon. Your woman’s sexuality is tied to her emotions, and she’ll reject your advances if she feels neglected, disrespected, or uncared for.

Treat your wife with respect in your daily interactions, going out of your way to date her again. Initiate conversations about topics she’s interested in, meeting her emotional needs halfway. Apologize for your poor behavior when she’s denied you sex and if need be, sign up for couples counseling.

6. Sensitivity to Her Sexual Issues

One in five girls has been a victim of sexual abuse. Such experiences leave emotional scars when your wife becomes sexually active, especially if she didn’t get therapeutic support to help heal the trauma. She may also have adopted harmful cultural beliefs about sex, reinforced over decades, leading to conflicting sexuality.

You can talk to your wife about cultural messages or her past experiences that cause her pain. You’ll need sensitivity when approaching her assumptions of beliefs of sex in marriage. You should enquire about her comfort or consent when you want to have sex, giving her the right to choose.

7. Seeking to Give Instead of Demanding Pleasure

Your wife could be experiencing pain or discomfort during intercourse. She’ll be scared or embarrassed to speak out for various reasons, or a learned negative response to intercourse is responsible. Maybe you rush through foreplay, not giving her ample time for arousal and lubrication or never reaching orgasm.

Communicate these concerns to your wife and if she has pain, find ways to work around it. A sex therapist may help to initiate these conversations and find a suitable solution. Use tools like lubricants, different positions or pillows, and erotic toys to make intercourse pleasurable.

8. Being On the Same Page on the Importance of Sex

Besides negative views or cultural beliefs, your wife may consider sex that unimportant. She may be a lower-libido individual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Having conversations about the essentiality of intercourse will help create mutual satisfaction. Desire discrepancy can be dealt with, especially if you seek help from a sexual professional.

9. Avoiding Pressure

Your lower libido wife may be feeling pressured by your constant demands for sex, which she isn’t able to meet. Pressure is an intimacy killer, and the more such negativity develops, the less she’s going to want to put out. Challenge your expectations and communicate with your spouse effectively to ease the stress, and instead try out new physical experiences.

10. Addressing Ongoing Conflicts

Tensions due to ongoing fights about money, your work, the kids, or an affair will seep into and eliminate any action in bed. Address any conflicts in your marriage and reflect on the happiness of your relationship. Marital satisfaction and sexual desire are interconnected.


Now you know what to do when your wife won’t put out these ten tips. Lack of intimacy is the number one cause for divorce, but there are solutions before you contemplate splitting up with your wife. More women report sexual problems than men, but very little is understood in comparison to male issues. If you seek emotional connection, patiently communicating love and care to your spouse, she’ll melt like butter in your arms.