My Husband Texts His Ex-Girlfriend: What Should I Do?

Help! My husband texts his ex-girlfriend, what should I do? Tons of women seem to be grappling with this issue in their marriages. Although it’s a pretty common issue, most people don’t know how to tackle this problem.

When you find out that your husband is texting his ex, you must exercise caution in approaching the issue. Ensure you have valid proof (not saying you should snoop through his phone any chance you get) before confronting him. Talk it out calmly and try to be open-minded rather than argumentative. Involve a third party or hire a couples therapist to help resolve the conflict.

If you are among the dozens of women wondering what to do in such a situation, I have a few ideas that might be helpful. However, before we proceed, let us address the pink elephant in the room.

Is Texting an Ex Considered Cheating?

The definition of ‘cheating’ continues to grow murkier by the day. What is considered cheating in one culture could be a platonic relationship in another. A few decades back, it was only considered cheating if there was physical contact. But times have changed.

Unlike before, texting has increased due to widespread mobile phone usage, easy access to the Internet, and numerous messaging platforms. And although technology has enhanced our communication networks, it has also made it relatively easy to cheat. Some apps encourage infidelity by allowing one to keep photos or texts in a password-protected file hidden in plain sight.

Suppose you’re one of the thousands of women who keeps asking, ‘My husband texts his ex girlfriend. Is this cheating?’ Well, yes and no! It all depends on the context. Texting in itself isn’t a kind of deception. Unless your hubby seems to be looking to generate passionate emotions in the ex instead of experiencing them with you, then he has crossed the line.

Constantly texting one’s exes is seen as a betrayal of trust. Many women consider it an emotional affair that hurts just as much as a physical one. Although it’s difficult to ascertain where logic ends and your insecurities kick in, we are urged to heed that little voice called intuition. 

However, not all cases amount to infidelity. Perhaps your husband is one of the few men who can talk to their ex while maintaining a purely platonic relationship. If they have kids, it could be a bit difficult trying to intervene, especially if he’s an involved dad who wants to be informed of every tea party and soccer practice. Yes, there would be a lot of texting, but it’s all about the children.

What Can I Do When My Husband Texts His Ex-Girlfriend?

Talk it Out

Before you begin acting irrational, take some time to understand why he is still texting his ex-girlfriend. The only way this is achievable is by having a sit-down. If he does it openly, but the frequency is what’s bothering you, let him know so you can both find a way forward. 

The play is slightly different if he is going out of his way to conceal the texts, and you have to play detective to uncover the truth. Suddenly, you notice he has a phone-lock password or begins going to the shower with his phone. It might be unnerving because you must first explain that you snooped through his phone or laptop.

Emotions may spark should your husband feel like you breached his privacy. But hold steadfast and focus on the matter. Explain how his secret texting with an old girlfriend is hurtful and divisive. 

Present your concerns as calmly as possible. A loving partner will acknowledge your concerns and be willing to work with you to establish limits with his ex. If they become defensive or dismissive of your concerns, it’s a sign that there might be more to it.

Ask Him to Cut Ties 

It may not be a reasonable request to ask him to discontinue his friendship with his ex-girlfriend, especially if they have a child together or run a joint business. You can figure out better ways for the two of you to communicate. He needs to reassure you that he’s dedicated to you and your marriage. On the other hand, you should try to find non-intrusive ways to deal with your own insecurities.

However, if you have good reason to believe (or have ample proof) that the texts between your husband and his ex were raunchy and suggestive, you have every right to request him to end his “friendship’ with his ex-girlfriend.

Try Couples Therapy

Anytime you bring up the issue, you end up in a heated argument. It could be you’re using the wrong approach, or your hubby is exceptionally defensive. You can never sort out issues in a hostile environment, whatever the reason. And a marriage where open communication is hindered is on the verge of disaster. Then, couples therapy could be the last bullet in the chamber.

Marriage counselors receive training that’s tailored to resolve marital issues. But both of you must be willing participants. After listening to both sides, the counselor may offer solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT) to deal with the matter.

Around 70% of cases that go to couples therapy indicate positive change when counseling is done correctly. As a result, make sure you pick a professional and well-respected professional. This is why scheduling an in-person or virtual session at the therapist’s office is preferable. Text therapy may not be suitable.

Take Away

If you’ve recently found yourself typing search tags like ‘my husband texts his ex girlfriend‘ on Google, you are among dozens of women seeking answers. Regardless of how you found out about the texts, find a way to talk to your hubby. Let him know how it makes you feel and listen to his reason for texting his ex. If the texts amount to cheating, request him to stop. Couples therapy is best for settling such marital issues.

Share your story if you were ever in the same predicament. How did you solve it to save your marriage? We would love to hear about your experience.