Why is My Teenage Daughter So Mean to Me?

I don’t mean to break your heart or excuse your teen but psychologically, mean behavior is developmentally acceptable for kids this age. Teenage comes with incredible discomfort. And it’s worse if your child was not adequately prepared for it.

I get it. It’s demeaning when your child lashes at you, bangs the door at you and tells you she hates you. It feels impossible to rationalize it and not feel attacked. But, every time a parent asks me “Why is my teenage daughter so mean to me?” I tell them to at least be thankful that the child is talking to them.

Why do you say that? You ask. Simple, the only reason your teen daughter is talking back at you is that they feel secure. A teen who shuts you out of her or his world is worse. You need her to open up about her pain and fears. Let’s now understand a few things.

Why is My Teenage Daughter So Mean to Me? 

Teen mean behavior is expected, Seriously! Search the internet today. This is one of the most discussed topics on every parenting blog. And, the symptoms are the same; backtalk, snide comments, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, silence treatment, ignored requests, snapping fingers, cursing, insulting, and so on.

If I am to offer any comfort, I would encourage you that you are not alone. They are several issues your teen is dealing with. And we will explore as many as possible in this article. Here we go.

1. Hormones are Acting Up

You already know this but I will remind you. As a teenager, hormones kick her over and toss her moods around like a tennis ball. Her world is upside down and she cannot understand why you are adding demands to her already complicated life.

There is no one sure way to cope or turn around the situation. Sadly, she may not even have a clue why she is behaving in a certain way. However, if you choose to overlook the moods, tantrums, silence treatment, and lashing, I believe you will see past the meanness and accord her appropriate support. 

Even though you can’t be in charge, you can learn to master your reactions to encourage a good response in return.

2. She Feels Powerless

She recently realized she has her own life to live but you are standing in the way. Out of love, you are putting boundaries, high expectations, and rules. On the contrary, she is trying to get some power and speak for herself but you are still treating her like a little girl. You are denying her the one thing she thinks she should get. She wants some power.

By banging that door at you, withdrawing and retreating to her world, or talking back, she’s probably trying to ignite an argument. That way, she feels like she got you, and unless you are quick to recognize that, she will win.

3. She is Struggling to Fit In

Most teen girls’ (and boys) wildest dreams are to be accepted by their peers. To fit into teams and be invited to teen events by others. 

Perhaps the day you want her to do the dishes is the day she learned she was not invited to a party. She’s conflicted and you are the only one she can share her frustrations with albeit the wrong way.

4. She’s Carving Out Her Identity

Another reason why your little girl is acting up is that she is not so little anymore. She is developing her wings of independence. 

Often, breaking off from the innocence appears rude and threatening to you because it requires her to start doing things differently.

As you allow her to break away naturally into teenage. You will need to identify any challenges she may be experiencing and address them. This is a crucial growth stage that could escalate into a terrible breach of character.

5. You are Overreacting

While you are busy wondering “Why is my teenage daughter so mean to me?”, she is also wondering why her mom is being mean to her.

We acknowledge that it is hurtful to see your baby girl try to separate but please, you need to gather courage and be calm. Whenever you exchange words in a conversation, she does not see her failure. no, she will always see yours.

If you can monitor your reactions and her outrage, you will realize there is a pattern. Once you are stressed, she becomes more aggressive. Teens are extremely observant. The moment they sense you are tense; their reactions automatically become negative.

6. You are Not Involving Her in the Decision-making Process

Your girl is trying to find bearing momma, at least involve her in some of your decisions. If you are trying to impose a curfew, make it into a discussion. Where there are places she should not go or people she should not meet, lay it plain with her beforehand.

She told you she hates you because she does not appreciate how you are handling her and her drastic changes. It has nothing to do with you as a person. 

You are not the World’s worst mom. She is trying to communicate to you that your decisions, rules, and reactions hurt her.

In Conclusion

Teen parents who are still asking “Why is my teenage daughter so mean to me” later realize it’s just a season of growth. Your daughter still loves you, be assured that if something happened to you, she would be totally lost.

While her demeanor, actions, and words may have changed, her feelings towards you remain intact. She is most likely blind to the level of harm she is causing you and the family. Her attention is focused solely on her and the things she is going through.

One thing I am certain of is that she only turns to you because she hungers for a sense of safety which she gets from you. When she directs her frustrations towards you, she is communicating that she needs you. She is striving towards independence.